When a friend or someone you care about is grieving, it’s often difficult to know what to do or say — especially if you haven’t experienced similar grief. Your general discomfort is very human; we all feel some need to help but are unsure of the words or actions that will be most helpful. We’ve created some guidelines to help you navigate these unknown waters and hope this information provides the insights needed to help you and the person you wish to support.
What to say when supporting a friend in grief
Thinking about what to say and what not to say can often be a stumbling block to saying anything — and that resulting silence can be extremely painful to the grieving person. As hard as it may be to overcome your initial discomfort, acknowledging your friend’s loss is critical to their healing process. The support of family and friends is a crucial determinant of how long and painful the grieving process may be, as well as how someone heals and recovers over time. You can be an essential part of this recovery process. We invite you to click the button below for additional ways to support your grieving friend.
What to say: Do and Do Not
Don’t: “I know how you feel” or “I know what you’re going through. My dog died, and I….” Saying either of these devalues the bereaved person’s feelings (especially when the loss of a person is being compared to the loss of a pet, no matter how dear). Early on, mourners don’t want to hear about others’ experiences with grief — they need to be able to express their own.
Do: “I can only begin to imagine what you’re going through” or even “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” These statements show that you’re focused on your friend and are open to talking to them about their grief. You can ask what it’s like for them and then listen — don’t try to fix it. Silence is also okay; being with someone as they grieve, holding their hand, touching their shoulder, or hugging them can help them heal.
Don’t: “You’re not grieving right” or “Shouldn’t you be doing. . .?” There is no right way to grieve. And no one should be judged for how they’re suffering; they may be angry or sad, and they may appear stoic. However, you can’t know what is going on inside and can’t understand their pain or inner thoughts.
Do: “Are there times of day that are harder or easier for you?” or “What are some of the things that bring you comfort?” Again, these questions show that you’re focused on your friend and are open to talking to them about what they’re experiencing. Whether or not they are ready to speak about their feelings, your openness and willingness to listen are helpful.
Don’t: Avoid talking about the person who died. If you avoid mentioning the person they’ve lost, the griever will feel even more alone in their grief.
Do: Mention their person by name and share any memories you have of them. Sharing your memories or mentioning their name will help your friend focus on their loved one’s life instead of their death, even though it may also bring up feelings of grief. If the person’s death happened in the past, bringing up their name is still okay. If a critical milestone (birthday, anniversary, anniversary of their death, holiday) is approaching, remembering the person who died will also bring your friend comfort.
Don’t: Don’t use clichés, which minimize the loss and emotions the grieving person feels. Clichés to avoid include:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“He/she is in a better place now.”
“Thank goodness you are young — you can still [have more children/remarry].”
“It was meant to be.”
“You have an angel in heaven.”
“You are so strong. . .I could never handle this.” (Or “You can handle this.”)
“God would never give you more than you could handle.”
“You need to move on.”
“You’ll get over it in time.”
Do: Say things that provide comfort and acknowledge your friend’s loss and struggle:
“I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”
“You’ve been so strong and helpful to your family. If you want to lean on me, I’d be honored to try to help you.”
“It’s okay to be angry or frustrated — it’s part of loving someone and grieving for them.” What you feel is normal and appropriate.”
“It’s okay to cry, and I may cry with you.”
“I love you.” (Assuming that you do.)
Flowers, cards and gifts are appreciated
Many people question what type of acknowledgment might be most appropriate, and the answer is “any.” When someone is grieving, a card or note, flowers, or a small gift show that someone else is thinking of them and the person they’ve lost—and offering support. That action is more important than the color of the flowers or the image on the card; the message to convey is that your friend is not alone, and you’re willing to help buoy them up as they work through their grief. In our traditions section, you can learn more about specific traditions by religion and culture.
Cards: It’s appropriate to send cards anytime, including before and after the service, on the anniversary of the death, or even in the months between. Initially, many families or individuals may be focused on the memorial service or making necessary arrangements. After, they feel even more alone, still deep in their grief, when others who weren’t as close to the deceased may have moved on. A card with even a brief note of sympathy can be beneficial and appreciated during that time.
Flowers: Flowers are the traditional means of expressing sympathy in some cultures or religions. They can be sent to the service or the home of the bereaved. Both are equally welcome; you can send flowers to a home before or after any service. Please read the traditions section to learn more about which religions or cultures welcome flowers.
Virtual Memorial Candles: Lighting a candle has traditionally been a symbolic way to honor someone’s life and mourn their death. For the religious, a memorial candle can represent a prayer. For others, it is simply a way to show that someone’s spirit lives on in the hearts they leave behind. At HealGrief, you light a virtual memorial candle and share it with others, letting them know their loved one is remembered. Visit our memorial candle gallery and light a virtual memorial candle now.
Food: It has been a long tradition to bring food to a grieving family as a sympathy gift. Food makes us feel comforted. But it’s much more, especially at a time of loss and sorrow. After someone dies, the bereaved family doesn’t always have time to plan meals. So you can bring food or have food delivered.
Gifts: For some, a donation can provide an ongoing reminder of support and the deceased. Ideas to consider: a tree or plant that will last through the seasons, wind chimes, a keepsake box, a stone or statue for the garden, an inscription, or a framed photo of a happy event that includes the deceased are all ways of showing support.
Donations: It’s become more common for families to request a gift as a donation instead of flowers, often to a charity or organization closely related to the deceased’s interests or their care (hospice, for instance). It’s still appropriate to send a card, and you can acknowledge in the card that you donated to memorialize the deceased.
Cards: What to write