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L.O.

L.O.

Trigger warning! (Abuse, self-harm, suicidal urges)>>>>Pregnancy loss. End of May 2018. “That little creature needs to die.”, the baby-to-be’s dad said. “The fruit of our love is not going to destroy my life.”; “If you don’t abort, you will destroy my life and that of my family’s, who has helped you financially.” “My father will commit suicide if you don’t do it.”, he continued. I gave in. I was afraid he’d shake me, beat me. Raising his voice at me and humiliating me had already been a state of normalcy in our relationship. Four days after the abortion, it all started: suicidal urges, self-harm, sarcasm, sleeping pills with wine. Many family planning women, psychiatrists, psychologists and even generalists, and also friends, told me at the time: “These states of mind aren’t normal. Women fare well after abortions. Pull yourself together.” or “You should be grateful you got a free legal abortion. Would you have prefered ending up in the street with a baby?” or “You’d have been a bad mom anyway. Not only because of your financial struggles but also because your mother was behaving abusively with you when you were a kid. So you should see in this abortion an act of love. You spared your child all this misery.” or – when I shared the baby-to-be’s dad attitude, a psychiatrist said – “That’s not how it happened. I understand it was a tough decision but I’m sure your partner and yourself have weighed the pros and the cons of having a baby right now and the balance tilted in the favor of an abortion.”, so she doubled me up on Zoloft. Etc. All that led to guilt “why wasn’t I grateful? Why wasn’t I faring well?” and the guilt led to more suicidal urges, more self-harm, irritability, etc. After a whole year like that, the harmful behavior settled only around the time my period comes . Last summer I was diagnosed with PMDD (a serious form of PMS). Since March, I’ve been back on medication (Prozac) and been doing psychotherapy as well. I finally met people who acknowledged what I’ve been through. And this is how I turned to drawing to express my feelings.

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