What are Grief and Mourning?

Grief: The painful emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual reactions to a loss

• Emotional: sadness, anger, ambivalence, relief, guilt, embarrassment, shame, hurt, loneliness, fear, betrayal, etc.

• Physical: fatigue, body aches and pains, disrupted sleeping, eating, sexual patterns, crying, dizziness, tension, etc.

• Mental: diminished concentration and focus, inability to make decisions, sensory hallucinations, thinking you’re going “crazy”, forgetting (even simple things), disorganization, etc.

Mourning/grieving is the painful process of working through reactions. It is sometimes referred to as “grief work.”

• Grieving does not mean “getting over it” or “forgetting”: it’s about incorporating the loss into our life story and finding our meaning in it.

• Bereavement and grieving are a lifelong process: it comes and goes with each new loss or transition (coming to college, leaving home, graduating, getting married, having a child, starting a job, moving, other deaths, ending or beginning a relationship/friendship).

• Grieving involves emotional pain: we often try to avoid this…even though we readily accept that it is part of healing physical wounds. Think of having an invisible heart wound or soul wound.

Some things to understand about the journey of grief:

• It’s not necessary to do all of the pain at once: we try to do it in regular doses (when we experience pain). This is similar to taking a dose of medicine for a physical wound. Taking all of your medicine at once could kill you…but in doses, it brings temporary relief that allows you to go about your business until it’s time for the next dose. Over time, you need less and less and don’t have to take it as often.

• It is important not to do ALL of the painful work ALONE or without support (though sometimes we do need solitude). Sometimes we need to teach others how to help us.

• It is not a linear process: It ebbs and flows.

• A “conspiracy of silence” keeps people from talking to each other about loss. “I don’t mention it because I don’t want to upset you, and you don’t mention it because you don’t want to upset me.” We conspired to keep silent.

• S.T.U.G. reactions are a normal part of the grieving process. S.T.U.G. stands for “Subsequent, Temporary, Upsurge of Grief,” and they are triggered by sudden, unexpected reminders, such as hearing a song.

• Every person’s grief and mourning process is a unique experience. For numerous reasons, no two people grieve exactly the same way(s), for the same amount of time, or to the same intensity. There are some commonalities, however.

• We aim to recognize the similarities we see in each other and honor and support the differences.